Escapism, literally
So, this Friday is the projected announcing of the Maryland Bar results. I have no confidence that I passed, but I guess I'm pretty much in the same boat as everyone else on that. Anyone who is confident that s/he passed doesn't have sufficient respect for the beast.
My consternation is compounded by the fact that I currently work at a law firm as a clerk, and everyone here blithely dismisses the bar and assures me that of course I am going to pass. It's easy for them to say from where they are sitting on the other side of the bar, but I appreciate their votes of confidence. It's great to know that they all think I'm smart enough to have passed. But we all know that smarts have very little to do with passing the bar. A little, but not much. There are lots of stupid lawyers out there, and there are lots of smart lawyers who had to take the bar more than once.
And my colleagues' assumptions that I knocked the bar outta the park worries me... What will they think if I failed? Their complete confidence in me places me under even greater pressure because their expectations are high -- so if those expectations aren't met, does that mean they'll reassess their opinions of me? Of course not, but that's the fear. Also, there is the unstated possibility that if I were to pass the bar, then this firm might make me an offer to stay on as an attorney. If I fail, I think I'll have to quit because I don't know how well I'd handle my own humiliation. I'd be the clerk who failed the bar... And I admit that it would be tough for me to handle. Better to start fresh somewhere else.
So, my escapism is that I am going to Puerto Rico for the weekend. I leave very early Friday morning. This trip will be either my "Wahoo, I passed the bar!" celebration or my "hiding my face and licking my wounds far from home" escape. I will have access to the internet to check my results in the evening, but the idea is to thoroughly distract myself in the meantime. I've never been to Puerto Rico. I think it should work!
My consternation is compounded by the fact that I currently work at a law firm as a clerk, and everyone here blithely dismisses the bar and assures me that of course I am going to pass. It's easy for them to say from where they are sitting on the other side of the bar, but I appreciate their votes of confidence. It's great to know that they all think I'm smart enough to have passed. But we all know that smarts have very little to do with passing the bar. A little, but not much. There are lots of stupid lawyers out there, and there are lots of smart lawyers who had to take the bar more than once.
And my colleagues' assumptions that I knocked the bar outta the park worries me... What will they think if I failed? Their complete confidence in me places me under even greater pressure because their expectations are high -- so if those expectations aren't met, does that mean they'll reassess their opinions of me? Of course not, but that's the fear. Also, there is the unstated possibility that if I were to pass the bar, then this firm might make me an offer to stay on as an attorney. If I fail, I think I'll have to quit because I don't know how well I'd handle my own humiliation. I'd be the clerk who failed the bar... And I admit that it would be tough for me to handle. Better to start fresh somewhere else.
So, my escapism is that I am going to Puerto Rico for the weekend. I leave very early Friday morning. This trip will be either my "Wahoo, I passed the bar!" celebration or my "hiding my face and licking my wounds far from home" escape. I will have access to the internet to check my results in the evening, but the idea is to thoroughly distract myself in the meantime. I've never been to Puerto Rico. I think it should work!
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