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  • Wednesday, July 09, 2008

    For the record

    I am angry. No, seething. If I were a cartoon character, my face would be blood red and puffy and steam would be pouring out of my ears, scalding anyone within a two mile radius.

    I am that pissed off. Oh yes I am.

    Don't worry. It's not SM. He couldn't be more supportive. I marvel at how lucky I am that he has my back. Sadly, all of his sympathy and empathy and attempts to make me feel better cannot resolve this situation. They serve to distract me, but it's only temporary. The anger returns.

    And I am generally not an angry person. Truly.

    It's work. I can't go into any details for obvious reasons, but you know the saying, "the straw that broke the camel's back"? In my case, it's a cinder block. Or even something bigger. Something completely and utterly destructive.

    But because this is a work thing, I have to keep it all bottled up inside while I'm at the office. All day. This makes me tense. It's hard to hold up the pretense of "all is well" when you want to smack something. Hard.

    I am just so grateful that I won't be in the office for most of next week. And I can probably hide out for the remainder of this week. That doesn't help assuage the anger though. In fact, there isn't much that I can do to suppress this now. That's why I am venting wherever I can.

    My old habit of dealing with this level of angst, frustration, seething, etc. would be either to eat (yup, my coping mechanism of choice -- which has gotten me into a great deal of trouble) or to shop (also not exactly productive). I have steeled myself against doing either. And it's hard. If I were an exerciser, which we all know I am not, I would go for a run or just physically exhaust myself so I didn't have the energy to be angry. But, that's not an outlet for me. I think what would really help is to direct my energy into something productive. In the past, doing pottery was really good for this because it does take a lot of hand strength to work the clay and throw a pot. And it helps work out the frustration. I need to find that equivalent now. I don't have it.

    I need to send this anger somewhere. I'd like to convert it to something productive rather than let it be a destructive force. I need an outlet.


    Yes, I really am that angry. Because I have to come to the office and have it all in my face every day, fresh again. Bitch slapped over and over and over. And that's tough to ignore. And that also makes it tough to get past. What to do, what to do...?

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